Q: What has been your dance journey?

As a gay kid, dance saved me. I suffered from depression and anxiety starting in high school. A lot of it came from my sexuality and the fact that I never felt I fit in anywhere. There was never a time where I felt I was fully a part of anything. In high school when I started having romantic feelings for people, a lot of self hate occured. I remember I had ideas of suicide and there were lengths of time I would not go to school. I almost didn’t graduate high school. My parents didn’t know how to help me. There was a cultural wall there. My parents never had experienced something like this before.

The only time I would leave my room was to go to dance, because in the studio I felt I had something to offer. I felt my being there was helpful in some way, and so whenever I don’t dance for a long time it is very hard on my mental state. It probably has to do with being in a space where I feel like I am seen and that what I bring has worth.

High school was a very dark time for me. Dance pulled me out of it and kept me functioning enough to come out on the other side. I still deal with it (depression and anxiety) on a daily basis but dance has always been my rock along with my faith. Dance has been a consistent light in my life.

My parents are from the Philippines and they didn’t understand depression and mental health concerns. I remember I went to the doctor because I didn't go to school for three weeks and the doctor put me on antidepressants. I remember I cried the whole time going to and from the doctors. I told my mom that day that I felt like if I wasn't here everything would be easier. My mom said I needed to stop thinking like that. She just didn’t know what to say other than that. It was very hard for her to see me like this.

I pursued dance in college, but my parents and I had an agreement that I would also study medicine. That's what we do as Filipinos--we go into the medical field. But dance was my calling. I went to Irvine and did a BFA in Dance and a minor in Anthropology. As I got into college I realized how significant this artform was in my life.

Sophomore year, I auditioned for Donald Mckayle. He taught me a lot about what it means to dance. He was in his 80s then and  he would direct us from his wheelchair. He gave me so much life. From then on, I really wanted to pursue dance as a career. In college, I  was also able to take a master class with Matthew Rushing from Ailey. Ailey was touring in Orange County at the time. I took the class and said I want to be a part of the Ailey family in some way. Following that I auditioned for the summer intensive and got in under an independent study program. Following my graduation from college that summer, my parents gave me the gift of paying my tuition and paying for a one-way ticket to New York City. I told them this is what I want to do. This is my calling. Dance had literally saved my life and I needed to see it through.

At the Ailey summer intensive one of the co-directors of the Ailey school approached me and offered me a full time scholarship for the coming term. I stayed and later in the spring I auditioned for Ailey II on a whim. Post audition I got the apprenticeship. During the following summer there was a complication with one of the Ailey II company members and their visa and I was asked at the end of the summer to come on full time with the Ailey II company. This will be my second year in Ailey II.

I have been able to tour the world with Ailey II. Hopefully I have been able to impact people through dance. I was even able to go back to my hometown area. This year we were scheduled to go back to Costa Mesa where I had first seen Ailey so it would have been a nice full circle. But because of how COVID-19 has impacted the dance world, all of that is now a big question mark.

Q: Do you believe dance can be a platform for social justice topics? If so, how?

Dance is inherently one of the strongest platforms to speak on social justice issues. I think in recent years we have come away from that. Early modern dance companies like Ailey have always used dance to speak about black and brown people and the working class. Dance is such a powerful way to present it to a general audience who may not have willingly participated in a conversation on social justice. It is a great way to bring complicated issues into the foreground--especially topics on race, immigration, and refugee status. I was able to perform a piece during the height of the Syrian refugee crisis.

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‍Q: What have been some challenges in your dance career?

One of the hardest things I have had to get over is a lack of confidence and self worth. It is very easy for dancers to be naturally comparative. We always compare ourselves and we are often self critical, disregarding ourselves and playing down our worth. I have definitely had to work on this. Being fearless in how we put ourselves out there. I think it is always courageous of people to come to the company auditions, even when they may not know a tendu or have the proper technique. I find it so beautiful that some people are here to just dance. My mentor, Donald Mckayle, auditioned for New Dance Group with no formal training and someone came up to him and said, “ You can't be here, you can't dance!” and he said, “You can tell me I can't dance but you can't tell me I can't be here.” Showing up for yourself is something I think we can all work on as artists. ‍

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Q: How has the COVID-19 pandemic affected you as a performing artist?‍

It has put everything at a stand still. Everything is on pause, but once we hit play again, I wonder, what will it look like? Things won’t be the same again. COVID-19 hit us right before our NYC season. It paused all plans until we have more information. There are still so many questions in the air. We had other touring opportunities in the spring that are also at a stand still or have been cancelled entirely. It has not only affected where and when we will perform, but the trajectory of my career is also on hold. COVID-19 created an environment where dance as a whole has to rethink itself and how we can work all of it within the coming economic crisis. I think it hit the dance community earlier and harder than anyone had anticipated.

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‍Q: Can you talk about the initial shutdown of the US. Where you were and what it looked like for you?‍

Everything stopped the weekend before we were supposed to be in rehearsal. We were supposed to have a week of rehearsal before the two week season. Friday, I had reached out to the company manager. The week prior Met Opera and Broadway shut down and I asked what that look like for us. For a few days, Ailey managers said they were in meetings figuring it out. That Sunday, the day before we were supposed to rehearse, they told us rehearsals were cancelled, upcoming tours were on hold, and the season itself was also put on hold. It was a quick stop. For a lot of us we were already on a break and yearning to start dancing again and be in the space again. It was hard emotionally and physically to know that we would have to wait a long time to dance. Fortunately, the Ailey organization has been very good in taking care of us. We are still being paid for weeks we had performances and rehearsals. However, it all hit me really hard. Dance means so much to me, and the fact I have to hold off on it is a lot. ‍‍

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‍Q: How have you coped and what have you been doing during this time?‍

One of the most beautiful things to come from this is the fact that many dancers are realizing they are not just dancers but are also multifaceted humans. For me what is keeping me sane is diving into other interests. I cook more and write poetry a lot. I open my journal a lot more. Yoga has also been very self reflective and centering for me. Being able to be in the sun regardless of the mayhem, seeing that the world keeps on turning, and seeing the flowers gives me hope. There is something so beautiful in the chaos: nature. I live across from the playground and one small magnolia tree is full of vibrant pink, purple and white blossoms. Every time I go out and pass it it makes me smile. I'm just like, “Wow, ok, breathe. A little more time and things will pass.” ‍

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Q: Using the idea of “worldmaking” how do you imagine the performing arts world after the pandemic?‍

After this, I want to feel a collective sigh of relief. I want there to be a bullstering of the community--like when you have a good class and you feel this sense of full sweat, heavy breathing happiness… I want that to feel like the overall feeling after this. In this time and prior, we were all living in very separate worlds. I felt like I could not relate to other dancers--like there were these divides between first company, second company, and freelance principal dancer. Now, we are all in this together. And we are all able to see that community lines are stronger than the walls we built. Together, we can move the artform forward and support each other in ways that older traditions may have torn us down. There is a competitive ideology to dance and how it can be cut throat. But, I think now that we are freelancing, we can all just breathe empathetically and feel the struggle together. We will do this together and we will all support one another. I want us to all be valued and to really see what every other artist and person is going through.